like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
