Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
