I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
