just tell him i said nine months
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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