I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
