And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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