so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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