Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
