I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
