I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
