He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
