Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
