I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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