Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
