So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
