Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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