Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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