I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
