I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
