Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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