If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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