Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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