he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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