what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
