we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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