I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
