My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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