why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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