Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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