I wish my penis had an off switch
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
