Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
