Sponge bath it is.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
