Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
