I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize