hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
