Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
