I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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