my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
