Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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