She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
