does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Screwed.edu
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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