too bad you live with your parents still
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
