This is not my ceiling
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
