I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's shark week go big or go home
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
