I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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