By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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