i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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