I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
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shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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