it wasn't lemon gatorade
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
