dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
