I want to walk on stilts...naked
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
