Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He shit in the fireplace
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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