I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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