Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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