I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
