I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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