This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
