I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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