omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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